Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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