The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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