apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
