saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She even gives head with a lisp.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
