When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Randomize
