Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
