We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
false alarm, still single
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
