sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
