I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's the barista slut.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
