I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
