Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
