Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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