Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
