Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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