We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize