my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
