my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
