I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
