onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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