Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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