Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
