do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
