honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
