Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
