I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
