Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
