So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
