I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
