my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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