fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
