if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
