worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
