ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
