Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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