I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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