I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
