You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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