I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
