She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
