Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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