Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
