Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
