all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
