Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
