Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Randomize
