I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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