I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
