you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
