i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
