Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
