.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
