I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
