My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
