I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
