you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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