so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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