Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize