new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
