you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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