if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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