K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
