I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
