When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize